So very lost
by yesthenLucky9
Summary: AU from Chuck vs phase three - Sarah struggles with life after certain events. one shot but may turn into full length story.


**A/N Hello Chuck fandom , iv'e read allot of Chuck fics and thought i would give it a go myself , just warning you its only the second thing i have ever written lol so please any constructive criticism is welcome , this story or one shot haven't decided yet is Au from Chuck vs phase Three . i hope you enjoy p.s no Beta on this so my mistakes are my own  
**

**So very lost**

She can remember it so clearly, every small detail, every single thing that happened on that day. She'd had bad days in her life; hell if she was being honest she'd had bad months especially in her line of work. She'd been tortured, shot, stabbed, punched, kicked you name it if it was painful she had more than likely been through it since she started working for the CIA …..But it wasn't physical pain that troubled her, it was emotional pain and it was something she knew would never leave her because the wild card enforcer, the giant blonde she male, the ice queen Sarah Walker had lost her life and yet she still breathed air.

She dreams about it all the time, she wakes up screaming, crying, and shaking. She dreams about that chair and it's always empty … always. She knows she should be stronger and she was but as time goes on a year to be exact and her life's still not back , still not holding her as she sleeps , still not whispering words of love in her ear , kissing away her tears when she cries and simply making her life worth living . She used to be made of stone, or at least that's what people used to think of her. An emotionless robot they'd say, only thinking of the mission and nothing else people would say…. that was until she had a broken cell phone she needed fixing. That was when her life truly started, it started off with brown eyes meeting blue and Ballerinas dancing before Mexican food and car then led to undercover parties, terrorists and life changing kisses in front of un-exploding bombs, followed by the return off previous lovers. It led to hidden feelings, replacement love interests and heartbreak at a train station. It led to miss understandings, more hidden feelings before everything changed with gunfire on a bridge and five uttered words _"shut up and kiss me". _I love you was said and trains were boarded and everything was just peachy, Sarah had never been happier she had finally found love, she had finally found her life and where she was meant to be and everything was great until a faulty intersect and a Belgian came into the picture, her life was stolen from her and proposal plans were found, emotions exploded and broken bodies where left in her wake while tales of giant blonde she male's were born.

It was that day, the worst day of her life and she remembers it so clearly because who wouldn't remember the day their life was took from them because Sarah Walker remembers , she remembers when her life was taken from her, she remembers when her Chuck was taken.

Sarah can't help but toss and turn as she lay in her empty bed, it's the same every night but she can't help it as she looks through the dark at her surroundings. DVDs and nerd paraphernalia sit building dust around the room, computers and gadgets lie effortlessly about with a large Tron poster above the wide-screen TV, and it truly is a nerd haven but it isn't what Sarah's eyes are drawn to , there drawn to a white short-sleeved shirt and tie hanging on the door . She can't help but imagine chuck getting ready in the mornings for work, pulling on his shirt and tie and going to his 9-5 job like an ordinary person, it still annoyed her that only a handful of people knew what he truly was , A hero.

Sarah hates and loves this room, their room. It's a room where her dreams came true and beautiful memories were made but it's also a place where if she closes her eyes and allows sleep to take her that the same nightmare plagues her, well a memory really , the memory of that day , the day she broke . This night is no different, she doesn't want to sleep but she knows it's inevitable because she exhausted from trying to stay awake just so she doesn't have to relive it , but sleep eventually finds her anyway because it always does, and it's in her restless slumber that the same dream, same memory finds her.

_She had found him again, found her Chuck but he wasn't there they had done something to him tried to take his memories , Morgan suggested she talk to him not as Sarah the spy but Sarah girlfriend and it's what she did , she allowed her emotions that had built up since he'd been took to pour out of her . _

"_Chuck" she said as the tears fell from her eyes "Chuck I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I don't care if you have the intersect or not. Without you, I'm nobody. I'm nothing but a spy. Come back to me, Chuck. I want to marry you" _

_He eventually opened his eyes and pulled her into a kiss, she wished she had savored the taste more because it was the last time she would feel those lips, or see that smile or those deep brown eyes. She can feel her heart thumping in her chest even in her dream like state because she knows what's coming next. _

_Sarah turns her head away from Chuck for a second giving Casey and Morgan a massive smile. It's a smile that's short-lived as she sees two tranq darts hit their targets, one in Casey neck and one in Morgan's. She's too slow to react as she's caught up in watching their bodies fall to the floor to notice a dart sticking out of her own neck. She turns quickly back to Chuck to see his shocked reaction but can't keep her body from falling as well as the dart takes effect. She tries her hardest to keep her eyes open, she can see Chuck struggling in his chair shouting her name "Sarah" and it's all she can do to shout his name back, but nothing comes out and it's when her eyes begin to close that she sees black boots in her vision, boots a swat team would wear and there's a lot of them all heading for Chuck, her Chuck. _

_It's without a doubt that the worst part of the dream comes after that, it's the part where she opens her eyes to find an empty room; all except one chair, one metal chair the love of her life had recently been tied to. Everything else is gone the equipment they were using to alter his memories and even the Belgian and his assistant , its then as she looks at the empty chair that she jolts back to the real world and out of her nightmare._

Sarah wakes in a sweat, hair drenched and eyes wet. She's used to it now so she does what she always does , she lays her head back down on her pillow and silently cries .

But its then that she hears a baby crying, and it's another thing that fills her with dread because she knows whose baby it is that's crying it's hers, hers and Chuck's baby. She slowly shifts her body so she's facing her dresser, she's see the baby monitor and hears her daughter wailing but she can't see her because she can't face motherhood without Chuck so instead she just lays there silently crying just like every other night . It's always the same routine and Sarah knows what's coming next as there's a soft knock at the door followed by the entrance of Ellie, she and Devon had moved back in a while ago.

"Sarah" Ellie whispers from the door "Sarah your daughter needs you, Lilly needs you"

And Sarah will always do the same thing and that's say nothing because she can't face it, she can't face her daughter, and when Ellie gets no reply she'll do what she always does and go and attend to her daughter like her mother should really be doing.

Sarah remembers when Chuck would always tell her she was Sarah Walker and she could do anything but Chuck never realized that Sarah could only do anything when he was by her side. But know Sarah had lost her heart, she had lost her soul, she had lost her Chuck and she was now …so very lost.

**A/N so what did you think ? continue or not ?**


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